This article was written by Jay Reid, LPCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Dev Murphy, MA. Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.
There are 11 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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This article has been viewed 292,455 times.
If you’re dealing with someone who’s arrogant, self-centered, and manipulative, getting them to understand your perspective or fight fair can be an uphill battle. While clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by a lack of empathy and a need for excessive attention, not everyone with NPD is manipulative or toxic, and only a therapist can diagnose NPD.[1]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source That said, if the person in your life is egotistical, controlling, or tries to gaslight you, we’ll help you beat them at their own game (whether or not they're actually a "narcissist")! Keep reading to learn how to take your power back.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.
Dealing with a Narcissist
Understand you may not be able to change their behaviors, so set clear boundaries for any unacceptable behaviors. Enforce them so you're taken seriously.
If they try to gaslight you, respond calmly and say, "I respect your opinion," or "I understand how you see it that way," and move on.
Narcissists may try to seal your power, so focus your energy on self-empowerment. Remember, you have control over your life.
Expecting a toxic person to change can take a toll on your mental health. In some cases, it’s best to end your relationship, especially if they’re abusive. Unfortunately, that’s not always possible. Consider your unique situation to figure out what’s best for you.[2]XResearch source
If you’re in a romantic relationship with an abusive person, plan your exit before you leave. Make sure you know where you will stay and don’t tell your partner you’re leaving until you’re already gone so they can’t stop you.
If your parent or friend is toxic, you might stop taking their calls and texts. Alternatively, you might decide to talk to them once a week or once a month.
If your coworker is toxic or manipulative, limit your interactions with them to business tasks.
Egotistical people only care about one person—themselves. In their mind, they’re never wrong, and they couldn’t care less about what you think. Fortunately, you can trick them into going along with you by using the word “we” instead of “I” or “you.” “We” language can actually defuse fights and get them to do things.[5]XResearch source
Beat them in a fight by saying things like, “We seem to have gotten off track. Let’s change topics,” or “We both care about this a lot. Maybe we should move on to something else.”
Get them to do something by saying, “We need to finish this report by the end of the day,” or “We have a big mess to clean up in here.”
Flattery is the trick to getting what you want from an egotistical person. They already think they’re better than everyone else, so you don’t need to worry about over-inflating their ego. Simply smile and point out their best qualities. If you can’t think of anything, it’s okay to use generic compliments because they likely won’t care.[6]XResearch sourceYou could say:
“You’re so smart!”
“You always seem to know what to say.”
“Great job today.”
Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: Am I Dating a Narcissist?
Only a mental health professional can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder), but there are plenty of red flags you can look out for. Take this quiz to find out where you stand.
People with fragile egos completely lose it when you point out their flaws. Unfortunately, it’s sometimes necessary to deliver criticism, especially if you work with this person. To soften the blow, give them a compliment before you tell them what’s wrong. It also helps to word the criticism in the most positive way possible.[7]XResearch source
At work, you might say something like, “You're the best analyst we have here. Your reports do a great job at covering the facts, but we’d like more details to round them out.”
If this person is your partner, you could say something like, “I love the paint job you did in the living room. I can tell you’ve been working super hard on the bathroom, but I think the trim needs an extra coat of paint.”
If you have a narcissistic relative, you might say, “You’re so kind to watch the kids. They loved watching a movie with you last time, but I was hoping you could skip the second pack of candy this time.”
Bragging about your own achievements could set them off. People with an inflated sense of self want to believe they’re the best and will do anything to one-up you. There’s no need to put yourself down to please this person, but avoid rubbing your successes in their face so you don’t have to deal with their drama.[8]XResearch source
If the person is your partner, focus on how your achievements help both of you. You might say, “We did this together,” or “I’m so happy we’re doing so well.”
If your relative is narcissistic, you might not tell them directly about your accomplishments or good news. Let them learn about it through the grapevine.
With a coworker, don’t brag about promotions, new assignments, or achievements.
If they start trying to top you, just say something like, “Sounds cool,” or “That’s awesome.” In most cases, they’ll feel validated enough to move on to a new topic.
Don’t let a manipulative person make you doubt what you know. Controlling or manipulative people will try to gaslight you into thinking that you misunderstood something or are remembering things wrong. They may also just outright lie to you. Beat their game by believing your gut and trusting in your own perceptions.[9]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source
When they start gaslighting you, respond with something like, “I understand you see it that way,” or “I respect your opinion.” Usually, this will shut them down.
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8
Ignore them instead of calling out their behavior.
There’s usually no point in confronting a manipulative person. Unfortunately, this will often only escalate the situation. They’ll say you made it all up, all while remaining as cool as a cucumber. It’s so frustrating to have to deal with them, but you can neutralize a lot of their toxic behaviors by ignoring them.[10]XResearch source Manipulative, dishonest people can only fool people for so long, so you don’t need to worry about exposing them.
At work, you may be tempted to report a narcissistic coworker for lying or for insulting you. They’ll just try to turn things around on you and prolong the drama. Don’t let them suck you in.
Similarly, your manipulative relative might be spreading rumors to create problems between you and other relatives. If you confront them, they’ll only deny it and start more conflict.
A manipulative or controlling partner might criticize your cooking to make you feel bad about yourself. They’re only going to double-down if you confront them, but they’ll lose interest if you brush off what they say.
Egotistical people will never admit they're wrong, so arguments just escalate. Because they’re so arrogant and self-centered, it’s impossible to get them to own up to mistakes. They simply won’t do it. Save yourself the time and energy by refusing to argue. It’s the fastest way to shut them down.[11]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source
At work, you might say, “I hear you,” or “I understand your point.”
If you’re talking to your partner or relative, you could say, “Mmmhmm,” “Okay,” or “Cool.”
Self-absorbed people love to hear themselves talk. They’re also less likely to criticize you if they’re monologuing about a favorite topic. Use this tactic to neutralize a narcissistic relative, coworker, or acquaintance. Try to pick a topic that interests you, too, so you’re not bored.[12]XResearch source Say something like:
“You’re practically an expert on the space program. I was hoping you could tell me about the Mission to Mars and when it might happen.”
“You seem to know so much about history. Can you tell me about your favorite time period?”
“I heard you like to write. What do you normally write about?”
"I was really impressed by your last presentation. Can you tell me more about it?"
Even if they hurt you, it’s best not to bring it up. Chances are, they don’t even remember what they did. In fact, self-absorbed people are actually bad at remembering things because they’re so focused on themselves.[13]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source Vent to a friend or therapist about how this person has treated you instead of discussing it with them.
Let’s say your coworker has stolen credit from you in the past. It’s better to just focus on getting credit for your work moving forward.
Your partner might have a habit of criticizing you, but pointing that out will only make them lash out more. It’s better to redirect them in the moment with things like “we-language” or vague responses.
You might have a relative who’s really hurt you in the past. Distancing yourself from them and focusing on your other relationships will make you a lot happier than trying to confront them.
If you do bring it up, they’ll likely just try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened. Alternatively, they may try to act like they’re the victim. It’s just not worth it.
Toxic people can and will use everything you say against you. They may act like they care about you, but they’re just trying to get the dirt. Limit what you tell them to the bare minimum so they don’t have much information to use. Additionally, never tell them anything you consider to be a secret.[14]XResearch source
Controlling people might try to use information about your past to make you look bad. A manipulative coworker could say, “Alice missed a deadline last year, so she probably will again. I should take the lead on the project.”
They could also gossip about you, sometimes bending the truth. They might say, “James told me he hated the gift you gave him,” or “Taryn said they might not come to Thanksgiving this year. Maybe they just don’t like your cooking.”
Explain the behaviors you will and won’t accept from them. Then, give them consequences for what will happen if they disrespect your boundaries. If they violate your boundaries, follow through on the consequences you set. Establishing boundaries allows you to take back your power in the relationship.[15]XExpert SourceAdam Dorsay, PsyD Licensed Psychologist & TEDx SpeakerExpert Interview Here are some boundaries you might set:
“If you yell at me or call me names, I’m going to leave the conversation.”
“Don’t share my personal details with anyone else. If you do, I’m not sharing with you anymore.”
“I’m not going to explain myself. If you keep pressing me, I’ll leave.”
“I will only offer you comfort and advice about a problem one time.”
Unfortunately, some people aren’t equipped to be there for someone else. If your parent or partner is self-absorbed, they may be unable to be there for you when you need them.[16]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source Tend to your physical health by eating well, exercising, and getting plenty of sleep. For your emotional needs, try meditation, journaling, yoga, or deep breathing to help you relax.[17]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source
Being around someone with toxic, selfish tendencies can drain you. Surround yourself with people who fill your cup, whether it’s family or friends. Identify who you can call on days you’re really struggling, and make plans to have fun with people you care about. You deserve love and affection.[20]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source
If it’s a relative who’s giving you trouble, spend more time with your other family members or the friends in your life who feel like family.
If you work with a narcissistic coworker, call or text a friend on days they’re especially difficult.
If your friend has narcissistic tendencies, make sure you have other friends who can offer you the support you need.
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16
Resist their attempts to lure you back into a close relationship.
When you start slipping away, they may turn on the charm. A self-absorbed or controlling person will shower you with praise and make you feel like you’re so important to them once they realize they’re losing you. All of this love bombing can make you doubt yourself and your new boundaries, but it’s all manipulation.[21]XExpert SourceJay Reid, LPCC Licensed Professional Clinical CounselorExpert Interview Maintain your emotional distance from them, and keep your boundaries in place.[22]XExpert SourceJay Reid, LPCC Licensed Professional Clinical CounselorExpert Interview
Make a list of the ways their behavior has hurt you in the past. When the love bombing starts, read over your list to remind you why this person is bad news.
Reader Poll: We asked 289 wikiHow readers for their most effective way to protect themselves from love bombing, and 55% of them said, recognizing and setting healthy boundaries.[Take Poll]
Narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder are from the same cluster of personality disorders: cluster B. Borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder are also in this cluster. Generally clusters have some overlapping symptoms of the disorders, so it is possible for a person with NPD to also have traits of ASPD.
Question
Is there any medicine that can fix this? How can a narcissist get help?
Community Answer
Narcissism isn't a "mental disorder" and is not subject to medicinal treatment. It is merely someone's view of themselves and others. A psychologist might be able to offer help.
Question
Is a narcissist dangerous?
Bel
Community Answer
They can be dangerous. They could create a smear campaign and tarnish your image with lies and/or things you said out of context. Also, they are really good at drawing people in and utilising them as sheep for their personal benefit (e.g., by spreading a fabricated story about you or an incident when they hurt you).
Remember that only a licensed therapist can diagnose someone with NPD, and that not everyone with NPD is abusive or toxic. In fact, many people with NPD are able to manage their narcissistic behavior by attending therapy and/or taking medication.[24]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if the person you’re dealing with has clinical NPD or not. If they mistreat you, it’s important to put boundaries in place.
This article was written by Jay Reid, LPCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Dev Murphy, MA. Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University. This article has been viewed 292,455 times.
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 292,455 times.
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RubyTop AnswererNarcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder are from the same cluster of personality disorders: cluster B. Borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder are also in this cluster. Generally clusters have some overlapping symptoms of the disorders, so it is possible for a person with NPD to also have traits of ASPD.
Community AnswerNarcissism isn't a "mental disorder" and is not subject to medicinal treatment. It is merely someone's view of themselves and others. A psychologist might be able to offer help.
BelCommunity AnswerThey can be dangerous. They could create a smear campaign and tarnish your image with lies and/or things you said out of context. Also, they are really good at drawing people in and utilising them as sheep for their personal benefit (e.g., by spreading a fabricated story about you or an incident when they hurt you).
"Very briefly: I am in a narcissistic marriage for 36 years. I never knew what NPD was or that it even existed. Broken and just before committing suicide, I found your articles. It saved my life. Thank you kindly."..." more
